Sunday, November 18, 2012
It's been a while since my last blog; I suppose life got in the way, life and writer's block. I felt as though I had nothing to say, nothing that I wanted to comment on. It was as though I ran out of words, and for more than a year I think that is exactly what happened. I ran out of words.
I am generally by character a very social being. I crave interaction with others like I crave my next breath, but something happened over the course of recent time; I began to draw within myself, to slowly and subconsciously and sometimes consciously, isolate myself. My world began to shrink, to get narrower and narrower. Exhaustion was, and still is to a certain degree, coating my being. It consumed too much energy to interact with others, however close I was/am to them, it became too exhausting to contemplate going to social events. If i had to define who I was and what I was over the course of this period, it is Tired and alone. Life had lost its vibrancy, and there were too often times where I felt like an outsider looking in. Conflicting with this was a growing resentment of stagnation of a never ending sameness.
There were still moments of joy and laughter, but underlying everything was a spirit of despair. Life became reactive not proactive, the focus on the negative instead of the positive. Not much for introspection, instead of thinking things through, I simply chose to feel them as they occurred, to allow despair to take root with its many myriad facets. Self worth taking a greater battering.
On a subliminal level I understood what was happening, that depression had sprouted it's seeds and was slowly encroaching on everything, but I chose to ignore that level. Life is full of choices, and i chose to allow the darkness to creep in. There is a dangerous apathy that takes over, and begins to distort perceptions. I became my own worst enemy. TV and sleep my closest friends.
I have many blessings in my life, a loving family and supportive and loving friends, and yet I found a growing distance festering. The bridges of connections slowly drifting apart.
Depression colors everything grey or black, insidiously subduing everything in its sight. The focus on self and a growing yawning emptiness. I have battled this particular demon through my adult life, though in earlier years I never identified it's true nature. It was an infrequent visitor who has since appeared more frequently at the doorsteps of my psyche.
There is a dichotomy that lives within me. When I am at work, although the despair is quietly breathing in my being, there is also a lightness in interacting with and laughing with others. Laughter happens often at work. As soon as I leave work, the despair takes over and the weight crashes in. Home, though filled with those I love dearly, had become a place to escape into TV or to sleep time away. I forgot to trust in God. Instead of blooming where I was planted, I allowed the waves of emotions and circumstances to batter me here and there. I forgot my mooring. I allowed the despair to define me.
I know where the source of my healing is, but failed to turn to Him for it, knowing that I will be accountable for my actions or lack thereof, knowing the mirror of Truth that I will need to look into. I have failed to "think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you." instead going as far away from self examination as I could, and running towards mindless pursuits. I have dwelt in the Prince of the World's minefields, instead of the Holy city of God. Too often I have failed to align my will with His. Too often I have allowed the world to transform me away from the image of God.
On one side darkness, on the other God, and yet too often my feet have chosen to travel the world's roads.
I have come to understand that no one else can give me the completeness I crave, that only comes from God. Little by little I feel despair's shadows lighten and begin to slip away. Clinging to the Rock of Ages, I find hope where hopelessness ruled. Color in the midst of a field of never ending grey. Joy in the midst of despair. "Beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for grieving, the garments of praise for a spirit of hopelessness."